People are searching for something that they can only find within themselves, but they don’t realize it yet so they jump from one person to the next looking for something that they will never find and leaving a trail of destruction behind.
Until it sleeps
Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays
So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I’m clean
It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, so hold me
Until it sleeps
So tell me why you’ve chosen me
Don’t want your grip
Don’t want your greed
Don’t want it
I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps
I don’t want it
So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me… till clean
I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
-Metallica
Darkness
I meet you in every person I come into contact with, I see the light always it’s the only reason I keep going on, but I’m only embraced by the darkness of the souls, I guess their darkness needs the most love that’s why it’s always drawn to me.
Realization
We are disasters, we can only love the unattainable, we can only appreciate something if we have been without it, we can have everything we will ever want or need at our fingertips and yet not even realize it til it’s gone.
Ramblings
Ive always been hated my entire life, why I do not know? I don’t really care besides my curiosity of human nature. I know I’m a good person and I care too deeply for all people even complete strangers. I know my worth, and that I would be a great asset to any type of relationship I was in, but I keep to myself because most people don’t know what they want in life, they have never been without, it’s only when you’ve been without that you can discover what you need is and can recognize it and appreciate it. I’ve been without most things my entire life and I do not regret my life or all the abuse I’ve ever endured because it has given me the greatest appreciation for life and everything in it, it’s almost euphoric. So I will continue to wait and keep looking for more people like me. The hated, unwanted, strange who will never fit into society.
Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her )
I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.
Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.
I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.
Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.
You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.
Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do also.
Ponders
Honesty is the most important thing ever, if you can not be honest with yourself who can you be honest with? When you are dishonest with yourself and your intensions then it breeds dishonesty all around you, people can not be honest with you on any level. Truth must come out in everything that you do with no care of the outcome. We teach dishonesty to our children by teaching them what’s the nice thing to say and do. This is what is wrong with society, no one speaks their truth, no one is straightforward and gets to the point.
Beautiful
Beautiful are the people who accept you for who you are and take the time to know you without judgement. There are too many people in this world who rush to judge a person they don’t even know.
Darkside of the moon 